The Miracle of the Sacrament of Reconciliation in my life

Well, after months of hibernation, here I am writing my thoughts and my experiences. My emotions are still unstable and I must admit that I haven't been able to collect my thoughts. I am devastated.... sometimes I am happy, but that feeling easily dissipates whenever I think of the brother I lost. I love that brother of mine--- he was a person I failed to appreciate while he was alive. I thought I was living righteously and my condemnation of his chosen lifestyle have been too much for him that it got to the point that I never spoke to him for years... NEVER HATE. Please don't... I learned it the hard way. Hate is murder--- when you hate, you begin to destroy a person's character, his reputation, his chances of being loved by other people. And when you do, you cut off a person's lifeline--- without love and appreciation, a person cannot live.

I have been very afraid to look into my ugly reflection, so I tried to look ahead and do things that was supposed to help his soul. But I couldn't keep it all under a rug... deep inside I knew I need to confront my filthy pathetic self.

The truth is, try as I might of not thinking about it, I cannot truly forgive myself. It surfaces every now and then, I become hateful of myself that I begin to lash it out on other people. I knew I needed healing--- for months I didn't know where to go. I have confessed my sins over and over again--- but to no avail. I still fall into a cycle. But the first Friday of October was different---- for the longest time, I have this deep seated feeling that after all that had happened, God can never forgive me. I can never forgive me. I hate myself, and thus, I knew I need help. I get depressed and frustrated all the time--- but I couldn't escape myself. No matter what I do--- I have this gnawing feeling that I am stained. My hands are guilty of my brother's blood. For making him sad when he was with us... for talking behind his back, for isolating him. I cannot stand the thought, my heart is being crushed whenever I remember all my tortures I inflicted on him.

All people need to be loved and understood. That is what I failed to recognize. I was so caught up with my own problems which are so little compared to others, that I was not able to understand my brother's pain--- the pain of loneliness which is slowly eating him whole.

And now I am starting to hate myself, hate others again--- because I couldn't forgive myself. I was slowly falling in desperation. I needed to see my brother--- I wanted so bad to hear him say he has forgiven me. . .  but I guess, I am not worthy of that assurance. I know that as long as I am alive--- I can never atone for my selfishness. But in God's mercy, I can stand before Him at Mass without lightning striking me because of my sinfulness.

God was merciful to me.... I needed to write down my Sacrament of Reconciliation last October 3, 2014, just in case some monster beneath my bed starts to tell me I am not forgiven.

Before I went to confession, i was asked by a girl to read for the nine offices which was a costum every first Friday Vigil for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And the 2nd reading which was assigned to me was about God as a Lover.

God is Love--- and anyone who hates his brother and says he loves God is a liar! Those words hit me. I am that liar! I have been a liar--- because I cannot see my faults, especially when dealing with people. That statement struck me big time.

I have been going to confession frequently, specially ever since my brother died so that I can be pure, and be in a state of grace, and that my prayer will have great effect for his soul---- but last October first Friday was so tailored fit--- it wasn't a generic absolution, for the first time in my life, during confession--- I felt the Lord was talking to me. I cried in the confession box, because the priest, not knowing who I am and about my past, told me to stop a sin which I am imprisoned in, and it was clear, that Jesus doesn't want me to fall in that kind of sin anymore. The priest also mentioned an instance which was the same situation of me and my brother. I knew then that it was Jesus trying to heal me from myself. He wants me to know that He has forgiven me, even if I can't forgive myself--- only then could I be free. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I am no longer guilty--- but rather, that I stay humble, and give allowance to other people and be understanding. Only then can I become a real disciple of Jesus.

How can a person who couldn't forgive himself, expect to be able to forgive others? Yes--- that is me, I hate myself, thus I hate others. But through God's mercy, I have faith, I have the capacity, my love will have continuous flow because I draw the water of love from the God of Love. I will never run out of Love.... if only, if only I listened to God with all my heart before this, then I would have been able to love my brother.

I don't know what will become of me, just that I felt I really need to write this down. The devil will not let me go easily, and will make me doubt God's forgiveness. I will come back and read this as a reminder of God's promise. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is an effective tool to exorcise people, and to free a person from his sins.

I can never stand before God proudly. But through his love and mercy, I am allowed to approach Him. Blessed be God forever! Preserve me in your grace O, Lord, that my life would be an atonement for my sins and the sins of the world.

Thank you very much,

Anaid Ace

Easter 2014 and my Birthday

I haven't written in a long time because of a tragedy that struck me and my family in the early part of this year. But this Easter, we seemed to be the hallelujah people, as Pope John Paul II said "Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song"

It became so true in my case. Lent came early for us on the First Saturday of January. My brother died, all of a sudden, our world crumbled. I personally didn't know how to go on in this world anymore. I couldn't explain the loss, I couldn't explain how my emotions were--- there were too many things to process and even now, if I try to recall everything, I still feel that I will not be able to go on without breaking down.

We are in mourning ever since, and holy week was very evident to us. God seemed to be absent in our trial, our misery.... but no matter how I deny it, I came to a realization that I came to understand Christ's passion even more. I used to contemplate and meditate Christ's pain during lent before this year--- but I remained to be just a mere observer. But this year was different. My brother who I thought was doing nothing for God, have become my gateway to God's wisdom and work in my life. Through his death, I have come to know of God's faithfulness, His mercy, His thirst for souls.... I was humbled--- I thought I was the one who loved God and did more for God than anyone around me---- but on the contrary, I was only putting on a show. God knew me better than anyone, and in His grace--- he saved me from myself--- he saved me from my masks, my hatred, my unforgiving heart, my pride, my blindness. I was a mess, a filthy sinner.

Through my brother's death, I came to know more about God---- I used to know God in His justice, but now, I know God in His infinite mercy.... that is what I hold on to, because without God's Mercy, who can stand?

Holy week 2014 have been very meaningful to me.
Came Easter, my birthday. God gave me a gift, He had my aunt call my mom to tell her that she dreamt of my brother  on Easter Vigil kneeling before a resurrected Christ. And he was wearing white and finally turned to my aunt and waved goodbye to follow Christ. It was something that greatly set me free---- my God is the God of the living, He has risen, and so will those who followed Him. Winning against death, Jesus will certainly be faithful to those who followed him.

God also made it happen that I get to see the relics of the greatest Pope that I look up to, the Pope who knew artists the best. I asked Pope John Paul II to guide us in the media.

Then Easter came, I went to two Masses to offer for atonement and for conversion. And in between Masses, God inspired the musicians to play a Happy Birthday song, it was so random--- no one there knew that it was my birthday because no one there knew me--- But God knew me. It made me smile, I disregarded my birthday to make way for the mother of celebrations which was His resurrection--- but He included me. 

I am sold--- I am in love with the God who loves me. Who disciplines me when I am in a mess---- it is a painful travel to stay faithful to Him---- but I know it will be worth it. I sing my hallelujah--- with the new hope and new life, which Easter represents--- I want to shine the light of Christ in the world. Amen!