I have been very afraid to look into my ugly reflection, so I tried to look ahead and do things that was supposed to help his soul. But I couldn't keep it all under a rug... deep inside I knew I need to confront my filthy pathetic self.
The truth is, try as I might of not thinking about it, I cannot truly forgive myself. It surfaces every now and then, I become hateful of myself that I begin to lash it out on other people. I knew I needed healing--- for months I didn't know where to go. I have confessed my sins over and over again--- but to no avail. I still fall into a cycle. But the first Friday of October was different---- for the longest time, I have this deep seated feeling that after all that had happened, God can never forgive me. I can never forgive me. I hate myself, and thus, I knew I need help. I get depressed and frustrated all the time--- but I couldn't escape myself. No matter what I do--- I have this gnawing feeling that I am stained. My hands are guilty of my brother's blood. For making him sad when he was with us... for talking behind his back, for isolating him. I cannot stand the thought, my heart is being crushed whenever I remember all my tortures I inflicted on him.
All people need to be loved and understood. That is what I failed to recognize. I was so caught up with my own problems which are so little compared to others, that I was not able to understand my brother's pain--- the pain of loneliness which is slowly eating him whole.
And now I am starting to hate myself, hate others again--- because I couldn't forgive myself. I was slowly falling in desperation. I needed to see my brother--- I wanted so bad to hear him say he has forgiven me. . . but I guess, I am not worthy of that assurance. I know that as long as I am alive--- I can never atone for my selfishness. But in God's mercy, I can stand before Him at Mass without lightning striking me because of my sinfulness.
God was merciful to me.... I needed to write down my Sacrament of Reconciliation last October 3, 2014, just in case some monster beneath my bed starts to tell me I am not forgiven.
Before I went to confession, i was asked by a girl to read for the nine offices which was a costum every first Friday Vigil for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And the 2nd reading which was assigned to me was about God as a Lover.
God is Love--- and anyone who hates his brother and says he loves God is a liar! Those words hit me. I am that liar! I have been a liar--- because I cannot see my faults, especially when dealing with people. That statement struck me big time.
I have been going to confession frequently, specially ever since my brother died so that I can be pure, and be in a state of grace, and that my prayer will have great effect for his soul---- but last October first Friday was so tailored fit--- it wasn't a generic absolution, for the first time in my life, during confession--- I felt the Lord was talking to me. I cried in the confession box, because the priest, not knowing who I am and about my past, told me to stop a sin which I am imprisoned in, and it was clear, that Jesus doesn't want me to fall in that kind of sin anymore. The priest also mentioned an instance which was the same situation of me and my brother. I knew then that it was Jesus trying to heal me from myself. He wants me to know that He has forgiven me, even if I can't forgive myself--- only then could I be free. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I am no longer guilty--- but rather, that I stay humble, and give allowance to other people and be understanding. Only then can I become a real disciple of Jesus.
How can a person who couldn't forgive himself, expect to be able to forgive others? Yes--- that is me, I hate myself, thus I hate others. But through God's mercy, I have faith, I have the capacity, my love will have continuous flow because I draw the water of love from the God of Love. I will never run out of Love.... if only, if only I listened to God with all my heart before this, then I would have been able to love my brother.
I don't know what will become of me, just that I felt I really need to write this down. The devil will not let me go easily, and will make me doubt God's forgiveness. I will come back and read this as a reminder of God's promise. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is an effective tool to exorcise people, and to free a person from his sins.
I can never stand before God proudly. But through his love and mercy, I am allowed to approach Him. Blessed be God forever! Preserve me in your grace O, Lord, that my life would be an atonement for my sins and the sins of the world.
Thank you very much,
Anaid Ace
