A Challenge in Life

"I'll make God proud of me" --- these were strong words I uttered one morning in my dream. I woke up and that was deeply imprinted in my brain. I got scared... but at the same time I was challenged.

I grew up in this kind of environment. Strict and conservative in following the Catholic Church's rules. And although I may not understand a lot of things, it became handy in my daily life. In my dealings with people, I realized that I have become the person molded in the strictest guidance of the Church. I am not saying I am holier than thou... or that I am above everyone else... I'm just saying that no matter how bad people think Catholic teachings are, in my life, I know that it helped me to be a better person. I needed the guidance, and without it, I know, that I will fall into the deepest recesses of losing myself. I have read philosophy books and non-Catholic teachings and there were good ones really, but I had my pick. I respect other people's opinions and I learn a lot from them. I try not to have biases since I do know how important a person's belief is, specially in spiritual matters.

What I said in my dream... it was actually a scary challenge. But I read a blog by Bo Sanchez, where he said "God is your number 1 fan!" Preachy and kind of corny isn't it? Godly matters are considered outdated nowadays... but I can't help but want to believe it. May it be true or not, I want to believe it. People may see me as delusional or not practical... but it's the way I want to live. I want my life to be worth God's while. It already is... And it is my duty to stand tall and shine my light... hopefully, a reflection of God's image. The good God not distorted by other people's opinion... but my own opinion of who He is... my own knowledge of Him that I gathered as I journeyed in my life. :)

On a lighter and very different note:
Played with my cam again one Sunday morning while I was studying. ^__^... I also took the liberty of applying and trying out make-up on myself since I do get out a lot lately. Haha...just woke up happy that day, that's all! ^__^


I just illustrated my opinions on how I express my thoughts :D

Fork road...

I read something today. Something that made my resolution strong. I know that God is with me on this.

I know I am alone in my innermost dream and that there is only God that I could rely on.... but there are times when I just wish that there will be people I could somehow trust with my thoughts, my plans, and aspirations. I used to be a daredevil, an adventurous individual... not caring about what other people say so long as I don't hurt them or step on them, but I think I lost myself on the way. I need to reconnect with my old self, that brave one who could face the unknown fearlessly.

I am in the middle of confusion... I got trapped in temporary glory that is fleeting and I try to fan the flames in futility. Now, seeing the hopelessness of it all, I am lost. Who am I?



Dreamer? Do I dare call myself that?. . . . what are my dreams now? I lost it... or was I a coward not to walk my way to it? Since it's a very big dream really.... It could blow anyone's mind... but it is the desire I have that kept me alive... I just hope I won't let go!

Superhero? I want to make a big difference to the world really. . . but why is it that I only hurt people... though unknowingly and unintentionally, my presence only creates pain to them.

I used to be all this, but I realized something scary about me.... I AM A COWARD!... I allowed myself to be trapped in this web of fears. I used to live freely, laugh joyfully, challenge myself to get out of the comfort zone.... what happened?

I became attached to the mediocrity of my surroundings. I became too comfortable with just being silent in the background. I withdrew from pressures and became mediocre. THIS IS NOT ME! My enemy is nobody else but myself! If only I could punch myself in the face!

Anyhow... I am slowly creating a door of new adventures for myself. I am a bit sad to be leaving people behind again. But that is life. People are there for you for a reason if they do not join you in your progress, then they are not meant to stay in your path... sad isn't it? Specially when you hold them dear...

Anyhow, I worked on this poster for my company

I'm happy to have mapped out my plans!

Just yesterday, I was on leave. It was a refreshment from doing my routine. I was able to do things that I otherwise couldn't have done if I didn't force myself to have the luxury of taking my leave from work.
First day, I dozed off... read a lot of articles, and just been lazy. :).... My old self would have thought it a waste of time, but this time, I allowed myself that. :D
Second Day, although I promised myself that I'd be a good girl and make my planned tasks, I slacked off. Then went to videoke with sister and her friend... It was a total waste of time and money... but the joy was worth it afterwards. Some guilty pleasures but I had an enjoyable evening... :D

Third day was a Sunday... I went to mass early, and karaoke-d the whole night away...haha! Life was still fun... :)

and finally the Fourth day, I tried to finally function. I was able to post my online portfolio and send resumes... indeed.... the journey of looking at my old works was profitable for me. I was reminded of how good I am... I used to shun "rest" from my agenda, but now, I think people definitely need it to refresh themselves with newer ideas... from now on, I will allow myself some creative solitary pace.... :)

I lost cool... and I instantly felt bad about it...

I know I needed to tame my temper. And because I lost my cool, I am feeling really bad about it. I know I didn't have an excuse, but I do try to become a nice person.... because THAT is an achievement.

There are just so many confusing things that people throw at me. I am used to being a loner. People only shake their heads in exasperation everytime I tell them my ideas. They don't take me seriously. So everything I did, so long as I wanted to do it, I put my heart and soul into it, not being bothered if people see me as weird or whatever.

But lately, people started noticing my work... it's hard for me to believe it, but they do. I am not so used to the attention, so it's so new to me. It felt weird since they could not really relate to me, but I somehow felt happy, and slowly I started to feel that my existence have some purpose. It's nice to be recognized and to somehow belong. I always knew I am good. But never did I allow it to enter my head.

But lo and behold, I am quite shocked because the other day, an unidentified person sent me a hate message in one of the social networks I frequented. He/she was bitter of the fact that I didn't approve his/her friend request. The letter told me of how arrogant I have become just because I am now somebody... which was absurd!

I never thought of myself as SOMEBODY! I am just like everyone else...
The person continued with angry words in the letter saying that I close my doors to the people like him/her. It's so annoying... from those words, I realized that he/she is holding whatever I have accomplished against me.

What I am now (whatever I am in his/her eyes), I am sure it's the fruit of my labors and self-discipline. I am sure a lot of people will not want to be like me, if they just know what forged me to be the person I am now. They will give up on the sleepless nights I endured, the mockeries I heard, and the ridicule of my dreams. All the uncertainties in life were thrown at me. And it's not so easy. That is why, whoever he/she is... I got angry and hurt... I lost my cool, but I deeply regret it instantly. But I hope people will realize, that instead of envying other people, they should stop and think about the difficulties I have undergone. That behind the smile, there were lots of tears that were shed. I am what I am because of that.

And to that person, all the best of luck. Hope your mind will be enlightened someday.

Crying photo series w/ trial photo manipulation ^__^

Real Girl

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You got what you see when you see what I got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

Life is too short

Life is too short
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
Laugh when you can
Apologize when you should
And let go of what you can't change
love deeply and forgive quickly
Take chances, give everything and have no regrets

Life is too short to be unhappy
You have to take the good with the bad
Smile when you're sad
Love what you got and always remember what you had.
Always forgive, never forget
Learn from your mistakes but never regret

A Child in solemn prayer

When I went to Mass last Sunday, I was surprised to see a child in front of me, praying solemnly, facing the altar with great reverence. He was about seven to eight years of age. I couldn't help but admire him... because at such a very young age, he already knew the importance of a spiritual life. I used to be like him as a kid, growing up from a very devout Catholic family. Would go to church alone, talk to my Travel Companion about everything. My anxieties, my worries, things that upsets me... things that makes me smile, makes me happy... just about anything that happens to me under the sun. I have changed significantly... I want to remember that me in the past... That was why, seeing that kid moved me.

In a world where technology is the trend... it is very rare that people, children specially, have time to pray. That is why, it was such a pleasant surprise to see such a small kid in fervent prayer. His parents may have taught him good values... but even if they did not... That kid... he's special. I hope he won't ever change. In this world of turmoil and confusion... where the philosophy of relativism exists... when everything evil is justified...It's a refreshing sight to see the innocence of children... that goodness that can happen only when one commits himself/herself to be good. It's rare nowadays... I hope I can make myself the way I am before. :)

Me wearing purple tulip tube design knee length dress at the wedding of a beautiful and cool couple Pi and Ejay.

It was a good thing that I buy dresses even when I have no occasions for it yet. That way I managed to avoid the trouble. :D.. Anyhow it was a beautiful and simple wedding.

routine

When people approach me for work, I feel happy for the recognition….. must be vanity.
When I work and execute it… the difficulties of the process makes me wonder why I do the things I do… must quit after this is done…
But when I am done and am finished to give my work to people, that is the time when I realize I just can’t quit… and the same routine have repeat performance… it’s because there’s magic in what I do. A magic that I see in people everytime I give it to them… it’s their SMILES that radiates genuine happiness. 

In Chains

What am I doing to myself?... losing sight of my dreams amidst so many false activities that take me nowhere. I am exasperated... I don't want to be, but I feel so smothered. How on earth did I manage to put myself in this situation?

I am losing my purpose. I am drowned in false pursuits that veers me away from my focus... I don't mind enduring hardships so long as it takes me to my dream... but I know I am lost... I need to get out of this soon.... It is giving me stress and unhappiness... :(

The Foolish traveler

this is the story of the most foolish traveler in the world. The story I have come to love.... and wanted to be...

once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. why was he foolish? well, because he was fooled by everyone he met!

everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them.


please, some money for medicine…?
i have a sick younger sister…
i don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields.


pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from him.

however, the foolish traveler was always glad to help. for everyone of them, he’ll smile and say, “i wish you happiness.”

but by this point, the traveler was completely naked, and with nothing left to cover himself, he decided to leave the main road and travel through the dense forest, where no one could see him…

soon, he was discovered by the goblins that lived in the woods. the goblins wanted to eat the traveler’s body, so they begged and pleaded, and used kind words to try and trick him…
of course, the traveler was fooled. first, he let the goblins eat one of his legs. then an arm. then more and more…before it was over, all that the traveler had left was his head. he’d even given his eyes away to the last of the goblins…

and as the last goblin was eating the traveler’s eyes, he turned and said “thank you, traveler. in return, i leave you this present.”







what the goblin left was a slip of paper, with the word “fool” written on it. the traveler couldn’t see it. he didn’t know what it was. even so, tears began to flow down his face. “thank you,” he said. “this is the first present anyone ever gave me. i’m so happy. i’m so happy. thank you.”

even without his eyes, he cried and cried great tears of joy. then, the traveler died, with a smile on his face.
and that’s…the end of the story.
i close my eyes and think about him a little bit longer. i think about how he had given everything away, until all he had left was his head…and how at the end, he still cried for joy as he said thank you.
and then i realize…i feel sorry for him.
see? loss, hardship, things like that? you can’t only focus on them. the traveler didn’t…he never thought about his own troubles at all.
i imagine that it probably does sound really foolish to some people. but i don’t think he’s foolish at all. even though other people probably think he was being tricked? i don’t think he was. i think he did exactly what he wanted to do.
i think, more than anything, he just wanted to make others happy.
what do you think? really? is that foolish? when you close your eyes and think about it, is that what it is?

Happiness is...

... the ability to make each day fun and interesting when there's nothing much going on around you. I realized that to work on your self and seeing the bright side of things makes someone's outlook in life positive...

Found our old goofing around shots one Sunday last year... I kinda miss this... :)

You know you're on your way to your dreams when...

... they start saying "You're crazy!"
... they start saying "Wake up, life isn't a bed of roses"
... they give you responsibilities "To teach you some reality bites"

Oh yeah... it's when they start repeating these things to you, not to discourage you, but because you reflect the image of the person they should have been if they didn't limit themselves to "reality"... and that makes them uncomfortable. Deep inside them, they are afraid that you'd be getting somewhere that they have not traversed for they have stayed where they are because of fear of the unknown. They are afraid to admit that they didn't do everything for their dream. I am happy that although I have few people to back me up on my dreams, I know who I want and what I want to be, and I fan the flames of my enthusiasm. May my dreams never fade away... because that is the purpose of my being...

It's sad that they feed you with these lies just because they allowed themselves to be defeated with these excuses. And may I add... isn't it good when you're crazy about something, that you'd do everything to get it? Success is about taking big leaps... it is never about staying in the comfort zone.

And to the people who think I'm crazy... Yeah, this is a person who do crazy things just to reach her dream... and I am proud because I am like that... I am sorry, I will keep walking forward! ;)

- artwork by me for my illustration commission... still unfinished :)

Cute Treats from Japan

My sister had been travelling to Japan a lot of times and I wasn't able to go with her because either she's busy with her business or that I am not financially stable by that time... it's really frustrating at times ... but I guess it's okay... soon I can go there, just a little patience. In the meantime, I enjoyed these cool treats she gave me.

A samurai watch, Doraemon cookies with filling inside, and cute bird munchies.... awesome isn't it? ^_^

My Under the radar help during the wee hours of the morning

Aside from my beloved DSLR, I always forget to mention that I have been getting a lot of help from my Laptop... yeah, I take it always with me during my location shoots for downloading. I am just pretty much sad that it's mostly used for that, or when we need music to set up the mood. It's pretty much a very high end PC with high end features, so I am regretful that I didn't get to use it for my editing needs. It will grace the scene someday... I just felt happy that I realized I am well equipped somehow with the things I need...so what can stop me from producing great things right? :)

UST - got a chance shoot at my dad's alma matter

Happy Father's Day to my dad, and my BIG DAD up there! (flying kiss to the sky) :) Just thought of posting a pic I had when I went to shoot a prenup in University of Santo Tomas where my dad got Magna Cum Laude in Philo. Aww I wish I studied better, but I will live my life with flying colors, so no worries... dad must be very proud of me... hehehehe ^__^

Been very busy again... so no time for posting...

Sailing Heart ~~~

My 5-day vacation is over... my journey gearing towards my thoughts had enabled me to refocus on my goals. I hope that I am all set to make it happen again... I lost motivation somehow somewhere along the way. And I am now in the process of retracing my steps and redirecting myself to other things that could stir that dormant dream of mine.. . I guess it's just that due to time that slipped through my fingers, I allowed myself to let go of the enthusiasm. I had been unfair to myself... but now, I need to recollect my thoughts, make that dream of mine shining, and reach it steadily. No more detours... that's right... no more detours! :)

found an old pic with my nephew... :D
I didn't know he looked at me as if I was being absurd hahaha...cams don't lie :))

White Collar Guy!

Those pretty eyes :)
I like his role in Chuck as a CIA agent. He was cool, but he had to be removed from the show because he was employed in a new tv series "White Collar".

Watching tv shows and catching up to the latest trend is my occupation lately. This is the only time I could veer my thoughts away from my busy schedule and I am forced to run my mind to new ideas. So far, I am enjoying it... it takes my lunchtime on weekdays lately... I don't mind. I am somewhat enjoying it so far... :D