Birth of a new dreamer....

To rest... I thought it was a bad thing for me. But it turned out well. I was able to get in touch with myself again. My passion's fueled and new ideas started filling my head. I'm back to a clean slate. From now on I don't have a style of my own, no knowledge of things... and I am back to zero. Start anew... start new techniques, start new styles...

My busy schedule last year backfired (I wrote it in this blog last year... I was feeling down that time). My works, due to lack of time became proof of mediocrity. And that became a series of mediocre performances on my part. I loathed myself... there's no one to blame but me. I wanted to do a lot of things at the same time, but it can't be done. I lost focus... I ran through the rivers of my crazed and thirsty longing for achievement. I had been stupid... I completely lost myself in the race... and in the end, I became a shattered image of who I once was. The dream I had, mirrored a different reality...

SO with true humility... I admit to my failures. But I no longer banish myself into the depths of miserable self-blame. I had realized in my dormant stage that I have to move forward. That I have a lot to offer the world. Because I do know, that I am truly gifted. I just needed to focus on it. Travel the road again from the start... enjoy every hardships, every happiness, and new experiences. Take the good, along with the bad. Learn new things, and eventually, excel in the path I have chosen.

This will be what my 2010 be. Relish every single day, live the moment. Laugh and cry... be human and be great, and be the best of who I am. Cherish people that comes my way... the ones who hate me or love me... they also contribute to the spice of life. Without them, the world is bland. This will be what my MARCH is... the birth of my new genius side. I am confident now with myself... for I know my strengths and weaknesses. Grow each day... fight a good fight. I will eventually ride the road to my full potential, until the time I can meet my God with a smile and tell Him "Well, I have given the world what You sent them through me...." :)

Rivalry and the desire to do better...

It is really lonely when you no longer have a worthy rival in your field. I experience this a lot of times. What is 'rival' to me exactly? well... I guess it's the time when you're put in a situation when you have a common ground with someone that you feel you wanted to raise against/with (of course this means a healthy competition wherein you help each other improve), and that he/she brings out the best in you. You feel that every cell in your body wanted to crush the guts out of your rival. You feel the thrill of the chase... the hearts pounding, the curiosity of the rival's techniques, and the fear of being on the race... every minute, every second counts... to be defeated knowing your rival did his/her best... to win, knowing that you have progressed... that is rivalry... an exciting journey that escalates everytime you meet... a world that only talented people know of. A world that only gifted people could ever experience.

I for one, I do know that I still need to learn in so many things. Like Photography, Sculpting, Painting, Illustrating, post vid editing/cinematography, (these are the fields I want to excel in at least) I do know that I still need to focus more and study more.... but it would be more exciting if I could have someone to race with towards my goals. A lot of people are already great... but the thing is... they are not my rivals. They have come before me...and after me.... It's quite a lonely journey really, because what I'm looking for is someone who has common ground with me.


And so I quite understand why the skating in men's division is stirring a controversy. I still like Plushenko despite his stinging remarks about Lysacek. (I dream that I'd get the chance to shoot one of his performances... Gosh, such genius execution.... it's very rare that such legendary figures in sports arise...) the likes of ALexei Yagudin and Evgeny Plushenko cannot be fathomed. They always surprise the world in each of their performances. I miss Alexei Yagudin in men's figure skating, and I guess that from what happened in Vancouver this Winter Olympics 2010, by giving Plushenko a silver medal, a lot of people will think that it was all f**ked up. I saw Plushenko's performance against Lysacek's skating and even to an untrained eye like me, the difference in performance was so great. Lycasek just glided.... true he was smooth in his execution... but the intensity and the ability to draw the crowd to the whole performance was lacking. Plushenko never bored the audience till the end. He was engaging people with his skating...He suffered an unfair treatment...

The only one who is a WORTHY OPPONENT of Plushenko is none other than Alexei Yagudin! Go Plushenko! You are indeed platinum! Lycasek is still so green.... he needs more years to be able to face Plushenko!

Focus

Uhmmm yeah... the homily today was that people should focus on their talents and what is important to them. So I decided.... I should refrain from looking to my left and to my right. I need to look straight ahead if I wanted to excel in my field. I won't let anything or anybody stop me or get in my way from achieving what I want in my life.

On a different note, I have been watching the winter olympics today via internet... and I really really am impressed with skaters, Evgeni Plushenko and the retired Alexei Yagudin. They are the most awesome rivals I have ever seen! Wow, I wish I have a rival in my field too... a worthy opponent who I can have fun competing with. As for now, I don't have anyone..... which makes everything a little bland... I just wish someone would keep with my pace, I would love to keep him/her beside me all the time... and together we'd excel in our craft and always try to give our best in a healthy competition. But sadly, people nowadays are somewhat lazy... some are not even aware of their talents. :(


Anyhow, this photo of Plushenko reminds me a lot of Miyazaki's sorcerer Howl in Howl's Moving Castle. ^__^... isn't it cool? Howl's vain looks has come alive! Plushenko is a really graceful skater, and Howl is also a graceful character... how cool can that be??? Even Howl's confidence and stinging remarks are the characteristics of Plushenko.. . . indeed... Howl has come to life! ^__^

A little unwinding and then back to Killing Myself again....

Well, now that all the long busy days are over, I'm back to normal. But I know this will be short though. Because in a few days, I will be back again to kill myself with practice, practice, practice...and tedious study. I even have a list of to do's already. This time, more calculated than in 2009. :) I allowed myself a few days of relaxing... bonded with family, and old friends, had movie time, and will try reading a book or two.

But ideas are starting to brew in my head. I am starting over. I am slowly feeling it in my veins again. I know I will be doing tons of hard work, but I know it will all be worth it. I'm both excited and frustrated. But everything will be done at the right time. If God be willing, I know everything I embark on will be a success. :D cheers to the champions! I hope I will keep up the fight against myself.

BTW.... it's Winter Olympics season.... I soooooo love love love Johnny Weir! Awesome dreamer!!! I am inspired by his dedication. I will be like him in terms of focusing on his talents. ^___^


“I should do it the way I want to, as opposed to trying to make other people happy.”

Johnny Weir quote

BELOW is the Video of POKER FACE skating by Johnny Weir ^______^

“Every event, every exhibition, every practice session, I'm doing something different -- things that not everyone is going to like, ... But they've come to respect what I'm trying to bring to the table.”

Johnny Weir quote

Valentine's Day 2010

Went out with friends this Sunday and there were lots of people there. It was also a Chinese New Year so it's a double celebration event.

We encountered a lot of couples who wore the same shirts. It was cool that they didn't mind how odd they looked, all they cared about was how to show off their ownership of each other (cheesy, hahaha.) But that was what that day was all about. . . For lovers. :D

Anyhow, here are my snapshots for the day. I had too many, but I felt this was all I needed to post. :D And..tadaaaa! somehow it reminded me of a book cover of my fave book - Brothers Karamazov - by Bantam Classic. I really feel that I am deeply inspired by the works of Dostoevsky.

Only Someone Special

From the quote "Anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special to catch your heart"

I took this picture for my conceptual photography for Valentine's Day 2010. Just experimenting on the idea...so as you can see, these are semi-melted M&Ms and Skittles. ^__^

I got the idea for the quote mentioned above because candies are colorful. The eyes get attracted to a lot of things.... so the heart in the middle represents that special someone who'd catch the heart. That SPECIAL SOMEONE who you can't forget about no matter how distracting those things that surround it.

I Love love love Valentine's day now because I got to work with a lot of people and met a lot of them too. I get to do a lot of concepts in photography and in my artworks, I got sooo tired yes, but it was so much fun! Now that I'm sick, I'm advised to get plenty of rest, so it's not allowed that I go out on location shoots... so what I am crazy about doing right now are indoor activities, i.e., painting, photography, reading, writing, sculpting, playing and studying guitar.... LOVE LOVE LOVE this season...

How was everyone's Valentine's Day? Hope everyone's doing great! :D

Valentine's Day huh?

Well, first and foremost, Happy Heart's Day... or Valentine's day rather... if I say that it's a "hearts" day, I will begin thinking about "Heart awareness" or something like "Cancer awareness" day... (sigh) rubbish right? Anyways... When was it that we started celebrating this day? Definitely in my childhood years, since we were given a task by teachers. A project wherein we make cards for parents on valentine's day. After that, I never observed it... only now because a have so many clients for this season. :D

I went through life happy, carefree, and dreamt a lot of dreams. But this time, what is valentine's day to me now? I guess now, it calls to mind a discussion I had with my sister. I like superheroes...and yes... I do have a hero complex. I side with the bullied people in class because I don't like injustice to happen...not when I'm around!!! No sir! Not because my parents taught me that, I saw it on tv! I was a loner, but when people are bullied, I side with them (and also I used to be the class president so they listen to what I say). But I'm cool being alone... I love solitude. Solitude is described as being happy all by yourself. While loneliness is a feeling of needing other people's company just so you could feel complete...or something like that.

And so, the discussion I had was... I told my sister that I don't think I will ever look at someone to complete me. As long as I could help people and make them happy, I'm fine with that, not even waiting for any rewards... but my sister asked me that what if that person needs ME? And I'm the only one who'd make him happy, then what?... that stopped me... is it possible that someone could feel that about another human being? Then it dawned on me... THAT is one difficult question. How can I commit to that request? How can I function as some sort of a superhero if I commit myself to just one? (After all, in movies, heroes face this challenge... they are always alone... but it's not intentional on my part... I'd rather be alone. I think no one could understand me really... thus I am comfortable on my own.) Am I THAT cold-hearted? I saw a lot of shows where Love is the main ingredient... but in truth, it never hit me that I could one day have it happen to me... so now... I am curious. What exactly is it to need someone? To have that person become your world...make the world a better place for them. Gosh, all my feelings I guess are locked inside the deepest recesses of my soul... it's so new to me. I'm in nursery in this topic. I never listened to the grown ups... nor did I read romance novels... and I rarely watch love stories... so I am truly ignorant...

And so... why did I write this on Valentine's Day??? Well, this is a tribute to my clients who come to me in numbers... regardless of the price or cost, as long as they could give something to that special SOMEONE. I love Valentine's Day for giving me extra income... but aside from that... behind that genuine happiness in my clients' eyes... I am curious to know. Maybe... just maybe, I would one day learn what it's all about. Perhaps, I will be happy too, and give special gifts only for him. For now, I still hold the lock and key of my heart :P

CHEERS to those who know why Valentine's day is observed. I am happy... though it's a world that is unfamiliar to me... I kind of like it :)

A dream and entrepreneurship... where exactly am I going?

Life is what we make it. I said this a lot of times, and oh, it is indeed true. I've longed to be an entrepreneur for as long as I can remember. While dreaming of being an astronaut, then a pilot, then a detective... I had an idea that it won't come true. Somehow. And thus, after debating if I become a lawyer or not just like my eldest sister, I accidentally became a Fine Arts major in Advertising grad. Not that I didn't like it... it's just that, I NEVER dreamt that I'd become an artist. Well, I could draw... it's a talent I inherited from my mom (yehey lucky ^_^) and even my siblings all have this trait... but to make it something of a profession, I doubted it could get me somewhere. But for some reason, I knew I could get something from this. After all... "LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT"..hehehe. As a natural entrepreneur and a talented salesgirl in my elementary days.. (hey, I sold a jackstone set with 2 missing stones for 100 pesos when I was in1st grade! Hah!) I decided I wanted to be that again... this time, selling my service. In college, I worked on beads and accessories and now in my artworks.... I'm planning to expand on my skills... and also, business management (Do i really need to go through this??? so frustrating... but it can't be helped) ANyhow... I plan to succeed in this venture. See lots of things and most importantly, satisfied clients.... happy looking clients who will thank me for what I did... CHEERS to my 2010 entrepreneurship...

Crossing the threshold of New Year! 2010 :)

I was a bit saddened because I wasn't able to attend the New Year Mass. It was supposed to be the Mary mother of God, New Year, and First Friday.... That was quite a handful for a day... but we weren't able to attend. Anyhow, that was the first time I felt fear that what if one day I won't be able to go to Mass? God was always available from where I live and I never even took time to make him first in my list... got a lot of things to do but I must always remember to make God first in my list of to do's. I am quite nervous...fed up with everyday life. But from now on, I will let God take my hand and lead me... I have nowhere else to go... 2010... I know I will be alright as long as I am doing what God wants me to do...

Dawning of another New Year

I am tired as I am writing this. But I guess I needed an outlet somehow. I feel trapped in my own web... But who am I to complain? I chose this lot. I preferred to get busy and do things my way. I never allowed other people to interfere with my life. Actually, I am quite happy.... most of my goals, I was able to achieve for 2009. Although it was a roller coaster ride... I guess I can never complain. 2009 had been a good year for me... tears, laughter, pain, and joy... these were all what my year consisted. I do know that when a person believes that a good thing will happen to him/her, eventually it will. I tried to smile despite the sadness, and eventually I started seeing the light again. I just hope that 2010 will bring me good news and new experiences. I wish that I will be jolly in embracing every good thing that comes my way. I will try to love people, places, and new experiences and refrain from being a pessimist.

Cheers to 2010! :)

Amazing people exist!!!

As I grew older, I've learned that you don't meet amazing people when you go out of your house...or go and travel around the world. Well, basically this is true.... but what I learned was that I can never see their amazing traits if I don't see the fascinating trait about me. It all starts in discovering who you are and what you can give to the world. When you see yourself as someone important and that you have something in you that you feel is fantastic, you can't help but to see the good things in other people too.
Like you, they have things that are truly amazing in them. I am happy that I realized this, and because of this realization, I know I can like everybody if I try. Furthermore, I will not mind the people who think ill of me, or look down on me. They have the right to think the way they do. It's their business not mine. I will live life not bothered by this. As long as I don't bother other people or intentionally be offensive, I believe that I will be better and be one of those truly amazing people I idolize.
Now I look forward to meeting people. I take the good along with the bad. That's the only way I can learn a lot about life. I am sorry for my childish behavior in the past. I am now ready to take over the world! I want that to be my motto one day :D

As for life, the world is so vast... I will be lucky if one day, a little ounce of attention be given to me. But I didn't ask for that... I guess what I want... is something I would love looking at, that comes from my creativity...
Anyhow... this universe, has a lot of amazing people living in it! The people I meet everyday... they are truly amazing. Even if they bitch out on me... that's part of life. Hehehe.

And I dare call myself a human being?

A few days ago, an old lady approached me and called out to me. I heard her, but pretended I didn't for I had my earphones placed in my ears. I thought to myself that she was just another one of those people who'd ask you for fare so that they could go home, but in reality, they were only fooling people so that they will get money. I don't like to be tricked, so I ignored people like that. I admit, I am not holier than thou, but still I want to be a good person. Who wants to be nagged by their conscience all the time? If only I could rip off my conscience away from me, then I would have done that a long time ago... but it can't be... because I am a human being. . .
Wait! Stop!..... did I just call myself a human being? Then why did I ignore the needy person I encountered that evening? That is pure monstrosity.... I am a monster...not a human being. I debated on my way home if I'd go back and give her some coins, anyway, I didn't need much of that, but my selfishness bested me. So I got home without losing a penny, but losing much of my peace of mind. I was confronted with the thought "What if she was for real?".... and so guilty was I that I looked for assurance from my mom and told her about the old lady. My mom told me that she must be another of those people who asks for fare, but in reality they were asking for money so that they could buy food. I was bothered by this and insisted that she could be one of those people who belong to a group of syndicates. My sister said that she'd rather be fooled than have her conscience bother her, anyway, it's not everyday that someone asks money from her...and it's just a little amount anyway. ....
With that.... my conscience tormented me all the more. And I dared call myself a human being when in fact I have a heart as cold as ice, closing my ears to the people who asks for help?.... why did I exist anyway? And what was the probability that out of the thousands of people that she could have encountered, she chose me??? I thought for a long time about the incident and I wasn't able to sleep well. I thought of the old lady's feelings. Imagine swallowing your pride and dignity by asking people for money? And not only that, people ignore her. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in her shoes for a moment...and the thought scared me... I don't want to be in her place... I am sure that if she only had a chance to live a different life, she wouldn't dream of degrading herself like that... perhaps...perhaps... out of pure necessity that she was ready to forget her pride. Maybe her grandchildren needed food or medicine that bad that is why she was forced to do it.... I don't know. Whatever is her reason... I can't forget her... and the other people that I ignored...
So in the future...do I dare? Perhaps my sister is right... it's better to lose a few amount of money that be bothered by my conscience... I want to be a better person. . . . so I could call myself a human being.