A few more days from now, and I am on my way towards my goals. I know that I will lose a lot of things, i.e., Ripened friendships, familiar atmosphere, consistent source of money, but oddly, I am perfectly fine with it. Not that they lost their value, but it just didn't fit in my plans anymore.
I overstayed, I think. Because I had been unhappy for months now, doing everything like a robot would. And I fell into a trap of seeking validation of my work from other people...
I got tired of those empty pursuits of praises from people. I got some, but lost some. To seek validation from others is indeed addictive, and I fell into a trap of spreading myself too thin, doing a lot of tricks just to get attention... but in the long run, it lacks satisfaction. The false luster it promised waned as the time passed me by.
Reflecting on my life as I was wont to do at intervals when I am alone with myself, I realized to my great surprise, that I'm the only one I needed to believe in.
I suffered for months now. I did function, doing what others wanted, but inside, I was struggling. They applauded me, yet why wasn't I happy? Then it dawned on me, I wasn't carrying out my passion, my identity... I let other people take me according to their whims... that I eventually lost myself on the way. I lost my sense of identity because of my folly.
My stupidity eventually took its toll. I have produced mediocrity... I wasn't fooling anyone anymore. My works have no enthusiasm and lacked the heart it needed to stand and speak for itself. I was in turmoil... I knew I needed to let go... but I continued on... stubbornly, until I couldn't look at my works anymore. I was repulsed by it.
That's why I needed to let go... and when I finally gave in to the idea, a sense of peace gradually took over me. I discovered that in order to show people that individual side of you, you mustn't be too competitive of other people... look inside you, and it's okay to fail. I discovered that there was never a competition with other people because I am a unique individual. The only person I should try to please is myself and make my God proud of me.
Little by little, my enthusiasm is already coming back to me... it's gonna be a good life! ^___^
I owe it to myself and to others, to be my very best, to be able to function well in society by being myself! It's good to know that I am important in this world, just as I am... :D
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