Yesterday...all my troubles seems so far away...

It took me a very long time before I got to finally appreciate the genius of Paul McCartney. I liked the Beatles' songs... but it was until I watched the Give my Regards to Broad Street that I got the Beatlemania disease.... they really have this amazing songs that transcends time. It was a lousy story, but it was very entertaining. I liked the costumes for the Silly love songs. That was awesome! ^___^

Proud of my mom today...

My mom had been so busy that it was so hard to have an appointment with her.... But I am proud because she runs her business and she's managing it with an iron fist. I also heard her talking about business like a pro. I am so proud of her. She's totally different when dealing with other people than when she deals with us, her children, and my dad. :D

I used to think my mom was timid and shy. Because that is what she is to my dad. She adored my dad very much. She was a cum laude while my dad was a summa cum laude. In short, he excelled her in everything, and that's why everything my dad says, she will obey.

I am quite disappointed that I rarely see such adoration, respect, and love between couples. I wish that I will also find someone I will deeply respect. Actually, as I emerged to the world outside my comfort zone...I already met a lot of amazing people as I mentioned before here. If I found what may parents found in their lifetime, then I am lucky.... if not.... then I will just be an amazing person and love people. Be cheerful and sunny.

Anyhow, that's veering away from my thoughts. I began to admire my mom. So this is what she's made of away from my father's shadows. She had been so submissive to my dad that she didn't exert any efforts to excel in her own (at least that's how i saw it). My dad never wanted her working in the first place, so she was at home painting and doing her crafts. But now she's so different... here is a woman who is strong and has character. And thus, I am so proud of her! I wish my dad could see her now... she has grown into a very strong person. My dad, I'm sure will be proud that he was married to her and that he's watching her from heaven. ^__^

Sunny Disposition

I have decided, I will have a sunny disposition. From now on, I will try to always look at the bright side. It's true.... I still am blundering from the dark. I will take baby steps from the darkness I have threaded. I got really exhausted, and my brain really lost much of my ideas. But to get up once again after a great fall, it's what they call bravery. And now that I can pinpoint my weaknesses, I do know what cure I must use. Anyhows.... most of my photos here are all by me using my timer. I never really liked other people taking my photos for portraits, thus I use my own skills. I use light color make-up too, because I don't believe in hiding my face behind clammy make-up...it's when I do role playing that I adhere to heavy make-up, and besides, nude and natural make-up is my expertise... :D. My modeling poses, I did study it because I need it to guide my clients so that they could mirror my gestures. So it isn't hard for me to pose. Some say I am vain... :D ... maybe...but I don't think I am. I just love documenting myself... how I change as time passes by. So here's my 2010 sunny disposition photo! :)

I wish I practiced more... Personal Mission

I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 3:14

Today's my nephew's commencement for kinder. March 21, 2010. I had to get up early to shoot for his graduation. I wasn't ready, but I had to...

Anyhow, I wish I could protect my nephew from the disappointments in life. He was so disappointed that he didn't get any medals. I had a medal when I was his age and I never thought of the people who didn't get any.... now, as I saw my nephew looking up at the stage, observing as others got applauded, I was teary eyed. His pain was so evident... he looked so disappointed and frustrated. I could never find any words to comfort him. Because I never was in his position. I dearly love him... and I just wish that I could protect him from getting hurt.

I also got frustrated with myself today... I just wished that I practiced harder with my camera so as to not have any errors in my cam when I used it at the actual commencement. I only had myself to blame and I knew that... but my nephew was different... he still couldn't allow himself to blame his shortcomings. He's still very young... he wanted to impress..but sadly he fell short. I hugged him tightly today and tried to assure him that everything was ok... but he shoved me away. He was really embarrassed. I could only pray for him... that's all I can do for now.

All I need is a miracle

I never had any time
And I never had any call
But I went out of my way just to hurt you,
The one I shouldn't hurt at all
I thought I was being cool
Yeah, I thought I was being strong
But it's always the same old story
You never know what you've got 'til it's gone

Hmmm... I don't know why, this song got to me though it's older than me...but it's true sometimes. It's just weird when you realize that what you thought was your original idea... someone already thought of it before you were even born! It must be that, people, regardless of time and place... they are the same... they are people... same human beings. Anyhow, might as well be productive. Sadness somehow caught up with me.... I know i will eventually get over this... but in the meantime, instead of pining, mourning, and sitting around waiting, I'd rather put it into my art. I am sad... but God is there...as always. He will guide me to the road I should take.... maybe by doing that... no matter how sad I will be, and how much misunderstood... I will still see the cloud's silver lining... cheer up! Please cheer up... :)

The Lord is My Shepherd - - -

"Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

I have nothing to say today.... except that, I surrender everything to God what life has in store for me. So many times I was left feeling low... but I always go to the Blessed Sacrament to be able to talk with God one on one. I did that as a kid... that's why I am sunny and cheerful. God is the only person who knew of my innermost thoughts and weaknesses, thus that is what kept sustaining me even when I experience tragedy and great losses in my life. I loved my life then... so perfect, peaceful, and beautiful. But now, I was exposed to a lot of disappointments and frustrations... and as always, I take it all in... for I know, God will be there to take me by the hand. God will always be my refuge.

O LORD, my God, in you I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and rescue me, 2 [3] lest I become like the lion’s prey, to be torn to pieces, with no one to rescue me. (R) 8 [9] Do me justice, O LORD, because I am just, and because of the innocence that is mine. 9 [10] Let the malice of the wicked come to an end, but sustain the just, O searcher of heart and soul, O just God. (R) 10 [11] A shield before me is God, who saves the upright of heart; 11 [12] a just judge is God, a God who punishes day by day. -- Psalm 7:2-3, 9bc-10, 11-12

Oh no! My camera...Kiss D.! A liability!

It was hard to accept... but it is true. After a seminar with my financial coach... I faced a dreadful truth!!! My camera is now a liability!


Well, not because it already is depreciating... I never intended to sell it anyway. But because I never use it anymore to take pics that will give money to my pocket. Oh no.... kiss d... it can't be true! But it is. I am too unenthusiastic still... gone was my love for picture taking. Then I know where I went wrong.

My Active Incomes are:

1) My day Job as a graphic artist 2) Sculpting
3) Photography 4) Illustrating
5) Tutorials (Occasionally)

I never allowed myself to get a chance to rest. Art is something that should be made with much of my time and devotion... it's not something that should be finished in a rush. All of the activities I listed above involved artistic abilities, so naturally, I was drained because all of them needed much of my time and creativity. Graphic artist the whole week... photoshoots on weekends...and sculpting at night. I didn't know what I should focus on. Gosh... now I know why Michaelangelo wanted to live 300 years so that he could execute his ideas!!!

My passive income:

ZERO!!!!

I know I know.... that's why I won't buy a car (for financing) because that will only be a liability. It's a dead end money spent (I could borrow my brother's car... but then again, I don't know how to drive just yet... I don't have the time to study too!) A new camera perhaps?... I think not. That Canon Mark II 5D I was dying to buy... no more of that (for now). My Kiss D. will do. I need to work on new ventures... my aim is not only to accumulate money, but also to spare more time. I really need to save more time with the things that truly mattered. My family, friends... and everyone who I took for granted last year. I will be wiser now, for now I know that relationships with people are the most important thing in this life. I am a human being, not a money-making machine :P. With my trusted business mentors, I know I could pull this off. If I am wise with my finances, in due time, I will be worry-free and financially free. I can concentrate on my crafts... with or without pay. I will make all my artworks with passion, and not be bothered about money matters. I didn't want to feel useless, so for the time being, I need to work... but I can feel that it will be soon that I can get out of the mess I got myself into....

On a lighter note: I am happy that I have realized my mistakes in just 6 months of hard work and labor last year. It's a cliche I know. But what I must do for now is to focus. Focus first on my passive income until it equals to my day job salary. So excited! ^__^ Hello tomorrow!

Stepping Up...

I dare to defy what others call a rat race. I must admit that because of my past folly, I had submitted myself to this. I worked hard, but it seemed that the harder I worked, the more I became engulfed in the quicksand of desperation. I wasn't earning much, and furthermore, I was wasting too much of my precious time. I wanted to earn to buy myself some time.... but in the end, earning money took ALL of my time... and now I know that it was a bad bad bad decision!

Anyhow, I am so over that. That's why nowadays, I spend my time studying business management and increasing my financial IQ. I want to spare much of my time in the future on something I really wanted to do. I want to stop being an employee soon so that I can do what I want with my life without having to worry about my daily expenses and all. Hello world! Soon I will take over! (Hurray!)

Riches and Success are two different things!

I don't want this site to be flooded with angst and rantings because I am hoping that I will get inspired everytime I visit here... but I was of course appalled and deeply mortified upon realizing that people saw me as someone who is assiduously accepting art commissions just for money. I was deeply offended and gravely disappointed that people had to think very ill of me. Money and Success for me are two different things! Money is easy to acquire... but success is elusive to those who are not keen in looking for it. Success requires a lot of effort...and this is what I wanted. I want to have character, because I am not a shallow person!

I know that I am a starter in the fields I wanted to trek... but the fact that people offer to pay for my service is an evident respect they have for my talent. I accept payments because that is a symbol that I am earning it because I did well. I do know that people are ready to accuse people of bad things... but I can't deny that they have somehow hurt my reputation. It is true, I am young but it is not a joke when I say that I have trained well, weathered the storms of difficulties to be where I am now, but I am determined to walk towards my goals. I want to reach my full potential, and getting rich on the way is just a bonus.

I don't need money, of this I am certain. What I needed is a sense of achievement. Money for me is just a medium to buy the things I needed in order for me to enhance my crafts. But if it's just plain riches I wanted.... then I will just have to wait for it.

I know I will laugh about this in the future... as all the successful people in the world have underwent this kind of treatment... I will just have to comfort myself with that. There's a saying that people throw stones at a fruitful tree.... they might be seeing things in me...right? I am still but a tender soul... ready to fall apart at some slight sign of discouragement. I just hope that someday, I will be strong enough not to mind these detractors. I will just try to cheer myself up...

On a different and definitely lighter note: Evgeny Plushenko! I <3 you very much.... he inspires me soooo! ^__^

Life has a bigger picture

It's so easy to stray from one's purpose in life. I had been guilty of that, but now I am okay...I guess. I need to master my talents. This burning desire of creating something is about to burst that I swear, if I still won't create it, I will lose my sanity. There's no time to care about what other people say. They could say what they want, after all, they are entitled to their own opinions. It shouldn't affect me because I know that I am made specifically for what I am about to do. That without me, it can't be done at all.

Anyhow, I have been so busy sketching. Busy with business meetings, contract drafting and all. I need to draw Plushenko for my plan in sculpting him... really, my being a huge fan of him helped me a lot in re-focusing my goals in life. He sacrificed a lot of things to reach the top... From now on, my companions will be the great people in the world. I am happy now... satisfied that I have coaches. Good looking ones too (hehehe) :) And whoah.... I never thought that I actually had Plushenko in mind when I drew this... :D he looks exactly like this when he was 15!





















I can now say that I will never be saddened so easily because I have realized that amazing people exists around me. True, a lot of misfortunes have befallen us. (recently we got robbed in our condo and things are quite scary now. My phone got stolen and cash from my sister. Still thankful though that all of us are safe. I had been harassed in the street, been assaulted by a guy... that's why I carry a taser gun with me all the time) It's so crazy really... no peace of mind and all. But I need to be optimistic. Sooner or later, things will change. I didn't want to worry my mom who is busy with her business (and quite happy by the way) that's why I get to see her only rarely nowadays... :( But still... Being careful walking forward, so as not to lose sight of my dreams...

Birth of a new dreamer....

To rest... I thought it was a bad thing for me. But it turned out well. I was able to get in touch with myself again. My passion's fueled and new ideas started filling my head. I'm back to a clean slate. From now on I don't have a style of my own, no knowledge of things... and I am back to zero. Start anew... start new techniques, start new styles...

My busy schedule last year backfired (I wrote it in this blog last year... I was feeling down that time). My works, due to lack of time became proof of mediocrity. And that became a series of mediocre performances on my part. I loathed myself... there's no one to blame but me. I wanted to do a lot of things at the same time, but it can't be done. I lost focus... I ran through the rivers of my crazed and thirsty longing for achievement. I had been stupid... I completely lost myself in the race... and in the end, I became a shattered image of who I once was. The dream I had, mirrored a different reality...

SO with true humility... I admit to my failures. But I no longer banish myself into the depths of miserable self-blame. I had realized in my dormant stage that I have to move forward. That I have a lot to offer the world. Because I do know, that I am truly gifted. I just needed to focus on it. Travel the road again from the start... enjoy every hardships, every happiness, and new experiences. Take the good, along with the bad. Learn new things, and eventually, excel in the path I have chosen.

This will be what my 2010 be. Relish every single day, live the moment. Laugh and cry... be human and be great, and be the best of who I am. Cherish people that comes my way... the ones who hate me or love me... they also contribute to the spice of life. Without them, the world is bland. This will be what my MARCH is... the birth of my new genius side. I am confident now with myself... for I know my strengths and weaknesses. Grow each day... fight a good fight. I will eventually ride the road to my full potential, until the time I can meet my God with a smile and tell Him "Well, I have given the world what You sent them through me...." :)

Rivalry and the desire to do better...

It is really lonely when you no longer have a worthy rival in your field. I experience this a lot of times. What is 'rival' to me exactly? well... I guess it's the time when you're put in a situation when you have a common ground with someone that you feel you wanted to raise against/with (of course this means a healthy competition wherein you help each other improve), and that he/she brings out the best in you. You feel that every cell in your body wanted to crush the guts out of your rival. You feel the thrill of the chase... the hearts pounding, the curiosity of the rival's techniques, and the fear of being on the race... every minute, every second counts... to be defeated knowing your rival did his/her best... to win, knowing that you have progressed... that is rivalry... an exciting journey that escalates everytime you meet... a world that only talented people know of. A world that only gifted people could ever experience.

I for one, I do know that I still need to learn in so many things. Like Photography, Sculpting, Painting, Illustrating, post vid editing/cinematography, (these are the fields I want to excel in at least) I do know that I still need to focus more and study more.... but it would be more exciting if I could have someone to race with towards my goals. A lot of people are already great... but the thing is... they are not my rivals. They have come before me...and after me.... It's quite a lonely journey really, because what I'm looking for is someone who has common ground with me.


And so I quite understand why the skating in men's division is stirring a controversy. I still like Plushenko despite his stinging remarks about Lysacek. (I dream that I'd get the chance to shoot one of his performances... Gosh, such genius execution.... it's very rare that such legendary figures in sports arise...) the likes of ALexei Yagudin and Evgeny Plushenko cannot be fathomed. They always surprise the world in each of their performances. I miss Alexei Yagudin in men's figure skating, and I guess that from what happened in Vancouver this Winter Olympics 2010, by giving Plushenko a silver medal, a lot of people will think that it was all f**ked up. I saw Plushenko's performance against Lysacek's skating and even to an untrained eye like me, the difference in performance was so great. Lycasek just glided.... true he was smooth in his execution... but the intensity and the ability to draw the crowd to the whole performance was lacking. Plushenko never bored the audience till the end. He was engaging people with his skating...He suffered an unfair treatment...

The only one who is a WORTHY OPPONENT of Plushenko is none other than Alexei Yagudin! Go Plushenko! You are indeed platinum! Lycasek is still so green.... he needs more years to be able to face Plushenko!

Focus

Uhmmm yeah... the homily today was that people should focus on their talents and what is important to them. So I decided.... I should refrain from looking to my left and to my right. I need to look straight ahead if I wanted to excel in my field. I won't let anything or anybody stop me or get in my way from achieving what I want in my life.

On a different note, I have been watching the winter olympics today via internet... and I really really am impressed with skaters, Evgeni Plushenko and the retired Alexei Yagudin. They are the most awesome rivals I have ever seen! Wow, I wish I have a rival in my field too... a worthy opponent who I can have fun competing with. As for now, I don't have anyone..... which makes everything a little bland... I just wish someone would keep with my pace, I would love to keep him/her beside me all the time... and together we'd excel in our craft and always try to give our best in a healthy competition. But sadly, people nowadays are somewhat lazy... some are not even aware of their talents. :(


Anyhow, this photo of Plushenko reminds me a lot of Miyazaki's sorcerer Howl in Howl's Moving Castle. ^__^... isn't it cool? Howl's vain looks has come alive! Plushenko is a really graceful skater, and Howl is also a graceful character... how cool can that be??? Even Howl's confidence and stinging remarks are the characteristics of Plushenko.. . . indeed... Howl has come to life! ^__^

A little unwinding and then back to Killing Myself again....

Well, now that all the long busy days are over, I'm back to normal. But I know this will be short though. Because in a few days, I will be back again to kill myself with practice, practice, practice...and tedious study. I even have a list of to do's already. This time, more calculated than in 2009. :) I allowed myself a few days of relaxing... bonded with family, and old friends, had movie time, and will try reading a book or two.

But ideas are starting to brew in my head. I am starting over. I am slowly feeling it in my veins again. I know I will be doing tons of hard work, but I know it will all be worth it. I'm both excited and frustrated. But everything will be done at the right time. If God be willing, I know everything I embark on will be a success. :D cheers to the champions! I hope I will keep up the fight against myself.

BTW.... it's Winter Olympics season.... I soooooo love love love Johnny Weir! Awesome dreamer!!! I am inspired by his dedication. I will be like him in terms of focusing on his talents. ^___^


“I should do it the way I want to, as opposed to trying to make other people happy.”

Johnny Weir quote

BELOW is the Video of POKER FACE skating by Johnny Weir ^______^

“Every event, every exhibition, every practice session, I'm doing something different -- things that not everyone is going to like, ... But they've come to respect what I'm trying to bring to the table.”

Johnny Weir quote

Valentine's Day 2010

Went out with friends this Sunday and there were lots of people there. It was also a Chinese New Year so it's a double celebration event.

We encountered a lot of couples who wore the same shirts. It was cool that they didn't mind how odd they looked, all they cared about was how to show off their ownership of each other (cheesy, hahaha.) But that was what that day was all about. . . For lovers. :D

Anyhow, here are my snapshots for the day. I had too many, but I felt this was all I needed to post. :D And..tadaaaa! somehow it reminded me of a book cover of my fave book - Brothers Karamazov - by Bantam Classic. I really feel that I am deeply inspired by the works of Dostoevsky.

Only Someone Special

From the quote "Anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special to catch your heart"

I took this picture for my conceptual photography for Valentine's Day 2010. Just experimenting on the idea...so as you can see, these are semi-melted M&Ms and Skittles. ^__^

I got the idea for the quote mentioned above because candies are colorful. The eyes get attracted to a lot of things.... so the heart in the middle represents that special someone who'd catch the heart. That SPECIAL SOMEONE who you can't forget about no matter how distracting those things that surround it.

I Love love love Valentine's day now because I got to work with a lot of people and met a lot of them too. I get to do a lot of concepts in photography and in my artworks, I got sooo tired yes, but it was so much fun! Now that I'm sick, I'm advised to get plenty of rest, so it's not allowed that I go out on location shoots... so what I am crazy about doing right now are indoor activities, i.e., painting, photography, reading, writing, sculpting, playing and studying guitar.... LOVE LOVE LOVE this season...

How was everyone's Valentine's Day? Hope everyone's doing great! :D

Valentine's Day huh?

Well, first and foremost, Happy Heart's Day... or Valentine's day rather... if I say that it's a "hearts" day, I will begin thinking about "Heart awareness" or something like "Cancer awareness" day... (sigh) rubbish right? Anyways... When was it that we started celebrating this day? Definitely in my childhood years, since we were given a task by teachers. A project wherein we make cards for parents on valentine's day. After that, I never observed it... only now because a have so many clients for this season. :D

I went through life happy, carefree, and dreamt a lot of dreams. But this time, what is valentine's day to me now? I guess now, it calls to mind a discussion I had with my sister. I like superheroes...and yes... I do have a hero complex. I side with the bullied people in class because I don't like injustice to happen...not when I'm around!!! No sir! Not because my parents taught me that, I saw it on tv! I was a loner, but when people are bullied, I side with them (and also I used to be the class president so they listen to what I say). But I'm cool being alone... I love solitude. Solitude is described as being happy all by yourself. While loneliness is a feeling of needing other people's company just so you could feel complete...or something like that.

And so, the discussion I had was... I told my sister that I don't think I will ever look at someone to complete me. As long as I could help people and make them happy, I'm fine with that, not even waiting for any rewards... but my sister asked me that what if that person needs ME? And I'm the only one who'd make him happy, then what?... that stopped me... is it possible that someone could feel that about another human being? Then it dawned on me... THAT is one difficult question. How can I commit to that request? How can I function as some sort of a superhero if I commit myself to just one? (After all, in movies, heroes face this challenge... they are always alone... but it's not intentional on my part... I'd rather be alone. I think no one could understand me really... thus I am comfortable on my own.) Am I THAT cold-hearted? I saw a lot of shows where Love is the main ingredient... but in truth, it never hit me that I could one day have it happen to me... so now... I am curious. What exactly is it to need someone? To have that person become your world...make the world a better place for them. Gosh, all my feelings I guess are locked inside the deepest recesses of my soul... it's so new to me. I'm in nursery in this topic. I never listened to the grown ups... nor did I read romance novels... and I rarely watch love stories... so I am truly ignorant...

And so... why did I write this on Valentine's Day??? Well, this is a tribute to my clients who come to me in numbers... regardless of the price or cost, as long as they could give something to that special SOMEONE. I love Valentine's Day for giving me extra income... but aside from that... behind that genuine happiness in my clients' eyes... I am curious to know. Maybe... just maybe, I would one day learn what it's all about. Perhaps, I will be happy too, and give special gifts only for him. For now, I still hold the lock and key of my heart :P

CHEERS to those who know why Valentine's day is observed. I am happy... though it's a world that is unfamiliar to me... I kind of like it :)

A dream and entrepreneurship... where exactly am I going?

Life is what we make it. I said this a lot of times, and oh, it is indeed true. I've longed to be an entrepreneur for as long as I can remember. While dreaming of being an astronaut, then a pilot, then a detective... I had an idea that it won't come true. Somehow. And thus, after debating if I become a lawyer or not just like my eldest sister, I accidentally became a Fine Arts major in Advertising grad. Not that I didn't like it... it's just that, I NEVER dreamt that I'd become an artist. Well, I could draw... it's a talent I inherited from my mom (yehey lucky ^_^) and even my siblings all have this trait... but to make it something of a profession, I doubted it could get me somewhere. But for some reason, I knew I could get something from this. After all... "LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT"..hehehe. As a natural entrepreneur and a talented salesgirl in my elementary days.. (hey, I sold a jackstone set with 2 missing stones for 100 pesos when I was in1st grade! Hah!) I decided I wanted to be that again... this time, selling my service. In college, I worked on beads and accessories and now in my artworks.... I'm planning to expand on my skills... and also, business management (Do i really need to go through this??? so frustrating... but it can't be helped) ANyhow... I plan to succeed in this venture. See lots of things and most importantly, satisfied clients.... happy looking clients who will thank me for what I did... CHEERS to my 2010 entrepreneurship...

Crossing the threshold of New Year! 2010 :)

I was a bit saddened because I wasn't able to attend the New Year Mass. It was supposed to be the Mary mother of God, New Year, and First Friday.... That was quite a handful for a day... but we weren't able to attend. Anyhow, that was the first time I felt fear that what if one day I won't be able to go to Mass? God was always available from where I live and I never even took time to make him first in my list... got a lot of things to do but I must always remember to make God first in my list of to do's. I am quite nervous...fed up with everyday life. But from now on, I will let God take my hand and lead me... I have nowhere else to go... 2010... I know I will be alright as long as I am doing what God wants me to do...

Dawning of another New Year

I am tired as I am writing this. But I guess I needed an outlet somehow. I feel trapped in my own web... But who am I to complain? I chose this lot. I preferred to get busy and do things my way. I never allowed other people to interfere with my life. Actually, I am quite happy.... most of my goals, I was able to achieve for 2009. Although it was a roller coaster ride... I guess I can never complain. 2009 had been a good year for me... tears, laughter, pain, and joy... these were all what my year consisted. I do know that when a person believes that a good thing will happen to him/her, eventually it will. I tried to smile despite the sadness, and eventually I started seeing the light again. I just hope that 2010 will bring me good news and new experiences. I wish that I will be jolly in embracing every good thing that comes my way. I will try to love people, places, and new experiences and refrain from being a pessimist.

Cheers to 2010! :)