It's good that people believe in me... but...

I am quite impatient now. I had a meeting last night with one of my photographer friends. He taught me a lot of things and I knew that I need a lot of things to learn still. He referred me to a photographer who wants to employ me as graphic artist/ photographer at a very tempting salary. I am tempted, to be honest..and besides, his office is just 40 steps away from my house (not really...but it's so close from where I live)... It's very near than my current work... but I had to think. I can't just be a photographer if I still cannot trust myself with the skills (I might end up doubting myself forever if I continue pushing myself too far and hate photography in the end). I will help him in every possible way I can since he needs my assistance.... but as for being a full time artist for him... I have a lot of thinking to do. I need to polish my talents first. I don't want it to be another string of mediocre works! It's good that people around me believe in what I can do... but it is so hard when it's me that I have to convince. I need to think. On the other hand, I am not progressing in my artistic growth in my current job... so that's a big thing to consider too. Hmmm, it's really perplexing... I get tired too... I lose inspiration also... I am after all, just a simple person ... but with big dreams larger than life (sometimes I doubt if I could pull it off). That is what is causing my frustrations... a lot of my contemporaries have done a lot already... while I am still groping in the dark... I know in time I will have great works... I am made to think..am I hiding in my comfort zone? I don't know if this is cowardice... whatever. For now, i want to focus on my studies of Master Arts, enjoy my works...far from pressure. I want to give my full heart and passion on what I do, only through that could I reach out to people... Soon I will have to decide. After all, mom told me I didn't need to work for my keep... so that leaves me free to chase my dreams. I am in full control of my talents... it's just that I am not comfortable to have other people shoulder my expenses. For now, I will just have to make what I am about to do. I will face that decision making soon, i know... but I will have to brush it aside... can't afford to have my mind messed up as I will be having a project in two weeks time...:)

For You... Alexei Yagudin's Skate of John Denver's Song...

Arghhhh, I can't decide who I will make first in sculpture! I am torn between Alexei Yagudin and Evgeny Plushenko! Hmph! I like them both. And this song which he skated on became my favorite now. Hehhehe. Love!


Just to look in your eyes again
Just to lay in your arms
Just to be the first one always there for you
Just to live in your laughter
Just to sing in your heart
Just to be everyone of your dreams come true
Just to sit by your windows
Just to touch in the night
Just to offer a prayer each day for you
Just to long for your kisses
Just to dream of your sighs
Just to know that I'd give my life for you.

For you all the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you.

Just to wake up each morning
Just to you by my side
Just to know that you're never really far away
Just a reason for living
Just to say I adore
Just to know that you're here in my heart to stay.

For you all the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you.

Just the words of a love song
Just the beat of my heart
Just the pledge of my life, my love for you.

Just for Inspiration...Gorgeous Plushenko! hehehe ^_^

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.


I found these cool photos of Evgeny Plushenko and I can't help but to post it. I was looking for great images of him and saw his photos when he skated "I want you to want me" ^___^ I really love his skate choreography here. I gotta post this!

I refuse to see my dream destroyed...

"Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?" - George Moore

What are my dreams exactly?.... like any other human beings...there are too many. But as I grew older... I know I needed to let go of some of them...

I want to be that artist who could awaken the soul, move the hearts of people who observe my works. I want to make a big big difference. I want to use art as a medium to heal the wounds and hurts. I want my art to have the power to create a world where people could experience joy and happiness. Art is not a senseless form of vandalism...
It is, and should be, an expression of one's happiness while existing on Earth. And I am determined to retain that resolve...as long as I am alive.

What I want now, is a beautiful world. Safety for children from all the pain and hurts that threaten to destroy their innocence. To protect their fragile hearts, whenever it's subjected to cruelty. I think big...really big. I wish to help the world with my tiny little hands. Somehow, I hope to make everything around me, as cheerful as my childhood... full of energy, full of enthusiasm, and full of hope. I know there are too many things that is not great in this world... but for the benefit of my soul, I choose this dream of mine to be my reality.

Note: The picture on top is a sculpture I made last March 13, 2010. it was made of air-dry clay. I need to polish it still... Hope to be like Michaelangelo Bounarroutti soon :)

Happy Birthday to my Mom!

It's my mom's birthday! And I am very happy to be one of her kids. It was hard to convince her to celebrate her birthday this Friday night. All of us, her children, contributed to the party (of course not including my brothers who work abroad). I was in charge of the cake! ^__^ But my mom is still so busy that she didn't want us to go to the house... but tomorrow's a weekend so what the heck? My mom's such a workaholic! (hmmmm...maybe I inherited it from her!)

This is the picture stored in my PC... hehehe. She asked me to restore this, so this is the only pic of her that I could upload. ^_^

I miss my mom very much. But she still never failed to buy me girly clothes... she's so annoyed everytime she sees me buying unisex clothes. She wanted me to be ladylike... she's so funny. She's just a typical mom who's so annoyed when I go out with my gayfriends because she'd rather I go out with boys so that I get a boyfriend already! And she also didn't like it that I only hang out with my college guy friends since she knows they are already my siblings! An extension of my family. She's always nagging me about how I should act feminine... (it sure is hard growing up with brothers... !) that really makes me laugh. But even though she kept nagging me... I am thankful that God gave her to me. I wish that I still have so many years to spend with her. I miss her so much! Happy birthday mom!

SOON - Alexei Yagudin, my sculpture project after Evgeny Plushenko ^__^

I know there's someone somewhere
Someone who's sure to find me soon
After the rain goes there are rainbows
I'll find my rainbow soon
soon my broken heart will mend
soon a happy ending.
Troubles behind me,
you will find me.
homeward bound,
safe and sound and soon
Soon it won't be just pretend
Soon a happy ending
Troubles behind me,
you will find me.
homeward bound,
safe and sound and soon
Love, can you hear me
If you're near me
Sing your song
Sure and strong
And soon

It's a song where Yagudin skated with great emotion. It made me think of my own destiny (laughs) ... It's very touching really. Artists could really awaken the subconscious of people. Super love everything that Yagudin performs.

I won't let go of my dreams... no time to be a cry baby!

What was I thinking? I have failed myself into veering away from my beloved art and trying my hand on other things. I have reasoned like what the grown ups did!... Nooooo!!!!... I shouldn't let my practicality take the better of me. I am an artist... and that is final! No buts and excuses!!! I really should expose myself to people who have been successful with their passions and dreams! And this time, I love love love Alexei Yagudin... he is a legend. just like my Plushenko! I love how he skated out there... despite the difficulties... he has overcome it and went on with his passion. He had a congenital hip problem that becomes painful everytime he skates, and even had surgery. But that didn't stop him. He had a dream, and that dream was his one and only focus. Even Plushenko had big problems concerning his finances. He was poor, but then again... all he had was his dream and that was his focus. They are so awesome!
I just love people like them. So inspiring!

Now I just need to collect my thoughts...focus on my own goals. Love my field... don't think of others' ill treatment and lack of enthusiasm. Don't give up at any signs of difficulties. Just be patient in learning. Yagudin!!!! You have the space of my blog this time... :D I'm only sorry that I wasn't able to take a picture of you when you skated your best! Geniuses on ice... Plushenko and Yagudin!!! Wooohooo! I wish by 2014 I could go to Russia for the Winter Olympics... I really need to shoot Plushenko and Yagudin. Plushenko will compete... I just don't know if Yagudin will too... but he will perform. I must must shoot them! Wahhh, such geniuses rarely come to this earth!

Yesterday...all my troubles seems so far away...

It took me a very long time before I got to finally appreciate the genius of Paul McCartney. I liked the Beatles' songs... but it was until I watched the Give my Regards to Broad Street that I got the Beatlemania disease.... they really have this amazing songs that transcends time. It was a lousy story, but it was very entertaining. I liked the costumes for the Silly love songs. That was awesome! ^___^

Proud of my mom today...

My mom had been so busy that it was so hard to have an appointment with her.... But I am proud because she runs her business and she's managing it with an iron fist. I also heard her talking about business like a pro. I am so proud of her. She's totally different when dealing with other people than when she deals with us, her children, and my dad. :D

I used to think my mom was timid and shy. Because that is what she is to my dad. She adored my dad very much. She was a cum laude while my dad was a summa cum laude. In short, he excelled her in everything, and that's why everything my dad says, she will obey.

I am quite disappointed that I rarely see such adoration, respect, and love between couples. I wish that I will also find someone I will deeply respect. Actually, as I emerged to the world outside my comfort zone...I already met a lot of amazing people as I mentioned before here. If I found what may parents found in their lifetime, then I am lucky.... if not.... then I will just be an amazing person and love people. Be cheerful and sunny.

Anyhow, that's veering away from my thoughts. I began to admire my mom. So this is what she's made of away from my father's shadows. She had been so submissive to my dad that she didn't exert any efforts to excel in her own (at least that's how i saw it). My dad never wanted her working in the first place, so she was at home painting and doing her crafts. But now she's so different... here is a woman who is strong and has character. And thus, I am so proud of her! I wish my dad could see her now... she has grown into a very strong person. My dad, I'm sure will be proud that he was married to her and that he's watching her from heaven. ^__^

Sunny Disposition

I have decided, I will have a sunny disposition. From now on, I will try to always look at the bright side. It's true.... I still am blundering from the dark. I will take baby steps from the darkness I have threaded. I got really exhausted, and my brain really lost much of my ideas. But to get up once again after a great fall, it's what they call bravery. And now that I can pinpoint my weaknesses, I do know what cure I must use. Anyhows.... most of my photos here are all by me using my timer. I never really liked other people taking my photos for portraits, thus I use my own skills. I use light color make-up too, because I don't believe in hiding my face behind clammy make-up...it's when I do role playing that I adhere to heavy make-up, and besides, nude and natural make-up is my expertise... :D. My modeling poses, I did study it because I need it to guide my clients so that they could mirror my gestures. So it isn't hard for me to pose. Some say I am vain... :D ... maybe...but I don't think I am. I just love documenting myself... how I change as time passes by. So here's my 2010 sunny disposition photo! :)

I wish I practiced more... Personal Mission

I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 3:14

Today's my nephew's commencement for kinder. March 21, 2010. I had to get up early to shoot for his graduation. I wasn't ready, but I had to...

Anyhow, I wish I could protect my nephew from the disappointments in life. He was so disappointed that he didn't get any medals. I had a medal when I was his age and I never thought of the people who didn't get any.... now, as I saw my nephew looking up at the stage, observing as others got applauded, I was teary eyed. His pain was so evident... he looked so disappointed and frustrated. I could never find any words to comfort him. Because I never was in his position. I dearly love him... and I just wish that I could protect him from getting hurt.

I also got frustrated with myself today... I just wished that I practiced harder with my camera so as to not have any errors in my cam when I used it at the actual commencement. I only had myself to blame and I knew that... but my nephew was different... he still couldn't allow himself to blame his shortcomings. He's still very young... he wanted to impress..but sadly he fell short. I hugged him tightly today and tried to assure him that everything was ok... but he shoved me away. He was really embarrassed. I could only pray for him... that's all I can do for now.

All I need is a miracle

I never had any time
And I never had any call
But I went out of my way just to hurt you,
The one I shouldn't hurt at all
I thought I was being cool
Yeah, I thought I was being strong
But it's always the same old story
You never know what you've got 'til it's gone

Hmmm... I don't know why, this song got to me though it's older than me...but it's true sometimes. It's just weird when you realize that what you thought was your original idea... someone already thought of it before you were even born! It must be that, people, regardless of time and place... they are the same... they are people... same human beings. Anyhow, might as well be productive. Sadness somehow caught up with me.... I know i will eventually get over this... but in the meantime, instead of pining, mourning, and sitting around waiting, I'd rather put it into my art. I am sad... but God is there...as always. He will guide me to the road I should take.... maybe by doing that... no matter how sad I will be, and how much misunderstood... I will still see the cloud's silver lining... cheer up! Please cheer up... :)

The Lord is My Shepherd - - -

"Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

I have nothing to say today.... except that, I surrender everything to God what life has in store for me. So many times I was left feeling low... but I always go to the Blessed Sacrament to be able to talk with God one on one. I did that as a kid... that's why I am sunny and cheerful. God is the only person who knew of my innermost thoughts and weaknesses, thus that is what kept sustaining me even when I experience tragedy and great losses in my life. I loved my life then... so perfect, peaceful, and beautiful. But now, I was exposed to a lot of disappointments and frustrations... and as always, I take it all in... for I know, God will be there to take me by the hand. God will always be my refuge.

O LORD, my God, in you I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and rescue me, 2 [3] lest I become like the lion’s prey, to be torn to pieces, with no one to rescue me. (R) 8 [9] Do me justice, O LORD, because I am just, and because of the innocence that is mine. 9 [10] Let the malice of the wicked come to an end, but sustain the just, O searcher of heart and soul, O just God. (R) 10 [11] A shield before me is God, who saves the upright of heart; 11 [12] a just judge is God, a God who punishes day by day. -- Psalm 7:2-3, 9bc-10, 11-12

Oh no! My camera...Kiss D.! A liability!

It was hard to accept... but it is true. After a seminar with my financial coach... I faced a dreadful truth!!! My camera is now a liability!


Well, not because it already is depreciating... I never intended to sell it anyway. But because I never use it anymore to take pics that will give money to my pocket. Oh no.... kiss d... it can't be true! But it is. I am too unenthusiastic still... gone was my love for picture taking. Then I know where I went wrong.

My Active Incomes are:

1) My day Job as a graphic artist 2) Sculpting
3) Photography 4) Illustrating
5) Tutorials (Occasionally)

I never allowed myself to get a chance to rest. Art is something that should be made with much of my time and devotion... it's not something that should be finished in a rush. All of the activities I listed above involved artistic abilities, so naturally, I was drained because all of them needed much of my time and creativity. Graphic artist the whole week... photoshoots on weekends...and sculpting at night. I didn't know what I should focus on. Gosh... now I know why Michaelangelo wanted to live 300 years so that he could execute his ideas!!!

My passive income:

ZERO!!!!

I know I know.... that's why I won't buy a car (for financing) because that will only be a liability. It's a dead end money spent (I could borrow my brother's car... but then again, I don't know how to drive just yet... I don't have the time to study too!) A new camera perhaps?... I think not. That Canon Mark II 5D I was dying to buy... no more of that (for now). My Kiss D. will do. I need to work on new ventures... my aim is not only to accumulate money, but also to spare more time. I really need to save more time with the things that truly mattered. My family, friends... and everyone who I took for granted last year. I will be wiser now, for now I know that relationships with people are the most important thing in this life. I am a human being, not a money-making machine :P. With my trusted business mentors, I know I could pull this off. If I am wise with my finances, in due time, I will be worry-free and financially free. I can concentrate on my crafts... with or without pay. I will make all my artworks with passion, and not be bothered about money matters. I didn't want to feel useless, so for the time being, I need to work... but I can feel that it will be soon that I can get out of the mess I got myself into....

On a lighter note: I am happy that I have realized my mistakes in just 6 months of hard work and labor last year. It's a cliche I know. But what I must do for now is to focus. Focus first on my passive income until it equals to my day job salary. So excited! ^__^ Hello tomorrow!

Stepping Up...

I dare to defy what others call a rat race. I must admit that because of my past folly, I had submitted myself to this. I worked hard, but it seemed that the harder I worked, the more I became engulfed in the quicksand of desperation. I wasn't earning much, and furthermore, I was wasting too much of my precious time. I wanted to earn to buy myself some time.... but in the end, earning money took ALL of my time... and now I know that it was a bad bad bad decision!

Anyhow, I am so over that. That's why nowadays, I spend my time studying business management and increasing my financial IQ. I want to spare much of my time in the future on something I really wanted to do. I want to stop being an employee soon so that I can do what I want with my life without having to worry about my daily expenses and all. Hello world! Soon I will take over! (Hurray!)

Riches and Success are two different things!

I don't want this site to be flooded with angst and rantings because I am hoping that I will get inspired everytime I visit here... but I was of course appalled and deeply mortified upon realizing that people saw me as someone who is assiduously accepting art commissions just for money. I was deeply offended and gravely disappointed that people had to think very ill of me. Money and Success for me are two different things! Money is easy to acquire... but success is elusive to those who are not keen in looking for it. Success requires a lot of effort...and this is what I wanted. I want to have character, because I am not a shallow person!

I know that I am a starter in the fields I wanted to trek... but the fact that people offer to pay for my service is an evident respect they have for my talent. I accept payments because that is a symbol that I am earning it because I did well. I do know that people are ready to accuse people of bad things... but I can't deny that they have somehow hurt my reputation. It is true, I am young but it is not a joke when I say that I have trained well, weathered the storms of difficulties to be where I am now, but I am determined to walk towards my goals. I want to reach my full potential, and getting rich on the way is just a bonus.

I don't need money, of this I am certain. What I needed is a sense of achievement. Money for me is just a medium to buy the things I needed in order for me to enhance my crafts. But if it's just plain riches I wanted.... then I will just have to wait for it.

I know I will laugh about this in the future... as all the successful people in the world have underwent this kind of treatment... I will just have to comfort myself with that. There's a saying that people throw stones at a fruitful tree.... they might be seeing things in me...right? I am still but a tender soul... ready to fall apart at some slight sign of discouragement. I just hope that someday, I will be strong enough not to mind these detractors. I will just try to cheer myself up...

On a different and definitely lighter note: Evgeny Plushenko! I <3 you very much.... he inspires me soooo! ^__^

Life has a bigger picture

It's so easy to stray from one's purpose in life. I had been guilty of that, but now I am okay...I guess. I need to master my talents. This burning desire of creating something is about to burst that I swear, if I still won't create it, I will lose my sanity. There's no time to care about what other people say. They could say what they want, after all, they are entitled to their own opinions. It shouldn't affect me because I know that I am made specifically for what I am about to do. That without me, it can't be done at all.

Anyhow, I have been so busy sketching. Busy with business meetings, contract drafting and all. I need to draw Plushenko for my plan in sculpting him... really, my being a huge fan of him helped me a lot in re-focusing my goals in life. He sacrificed a lot of things to reach the top... From now on, my companions will be the great people in the world. I am happy now... satisfied that I have coaches. Good looking ones too (hehehe) :) And whoah.... I never thought that I actually had Plushenko in mind when I drew this... :D he looks exactly like this when he was 15!





















I can now say that I will never be saddened so easily because I have realized that amazing people exists around me. True, a lot of misfortunes have befallen us. (recently we got robbed in our condo and things are quite scary now. My phone got stolen and cash from my sister. Still thankful though that all of us are safe. I had been harassed in the street, been assaulted by a guy... that's why I carry a taser gun with me all the time) It's so crazy really... no peace of mind and all. But I need to be optimistic. Sooner or later, things will change. I didn't want to worry my mom who is busy with her business (and quite happy by the way) that's why I get to see her only rarely nowadays... :( But still... Being careful walking forward, so as not to lose sight of my dreams...